September

What… I don’t know what to say about this. It feels too easy, but then I start writing and I just get exhausted thinking about how someone MADE this and thought it was worth putting out there and I just get so worked up I start pacing and whimpering and I’ve realized it would be easier to just pretend this doesn’t exist. I wish I had never seen this. I wish my life would have carried on without it because I truly would have been happier. And I just realized this is exactly what my ex-wife said about me during our divorce proceedings while that asshole Rick looked all smug and cocksure and god damn it if he doesn’t have a handsome face and that ridiculous chin dimple so how the hell can I compete with that?

What… I don’t know what to say about this. It feels too easy, but then I start writing and I just get exhausted thinking about how someone MADE this and thought it was worth putting out there and I just get so worked up I start pacing and whimpering and I’ve realized it would be easier to just pretend this doesn’t exist. I wish I had never seen this. I wish my life would have carried on without it because I truly would have been happier. And I just realized this is exactly what my ex-wife said about me during our divorce proceedings while that asshole Rick looked all smug and cocksure and god damn it if he doesn’t have a handsome face and that ridiculous chin dimple so how the hell can I compete with that?

September

Everything about this is so lazy. Crappy slogan contains the word rain so they picked an image of rain. But wouldn’t it make more sense—if you’re going to go that way—to use an image of sunshine? This is like saying, “You’re the police officer who saved my life when a serial killer tried to put me in a blender” and then you pick a stock photo of a Cuisinart as the background. Way to focus on the wrong thing.

Oh, right, and you couldn’t be bothered to write “you’re”, you wrote “your”. Of course you did. Of course you did because without people like you, who would people like me fear might eventually become president?

Everything about this is so lazy. Crappy slogan contains the word rain so they picked an image of rain. But wouldn’t it make more sense—if you’re going to go that way—to use an image of sunshine? This is like saying, “You’re the police officer who saved my life when a serial killer tried to put me in a blender” and then you pick a stock photo of a Cuisinart as the background. Way to focus on the wrong thing.

Oh, right, and you couldn’t be bothered to write “you’re”, you wrote “your”. Of course you did. Of course you did because without people like you, who would people like me fear might eventually become president?

September

Apparently this artist doesn’t remember D-Day. Or how to use a period between sentences.

Apparently this artist doesn’t remember D-Day. Or how to use a period between sentences.

September

Tell this to quadruple amputees. “Oh, stop complaining, Mark! So you’re just a torso now. Big deal. So you can’t move or feed yourself. Big whoop! Happiness is a decision! Choose to be happier. What’s that? Oh, you soiled yourself? Gross. You’re gross, Mark. But you should at least just decide to be happy about it, it would make me feel better when I have to look at you.”

Oh yeah, and those millions of clinically depressed people. You should probably tell them too. Just think of how much easier their lives will be when they hear this! They’ll just decide to be happy and all of their depression will fly away into the deep blue sky.

You know what isn’t a happy decision? Using the font Papyrus.

Tell this to quadruple amputees. “Oh, stop complaining, Mark! So you’re just a torso now. Big deal. So you can’t move or feed yourself. Big whoop! Happiness is a decision! Choose to be happier. What’s that? Oh, you soiled yourself? Gross. You’re gross, Mark. But you should at least just decide to be happy about it, it would make me feel better when I have to look at you.”

Oh yeah, and those millions of clinically depressed people. You should probably tell them too. Just think of how much easier their lives will be when they hear this! They’ll just decide to be happy and all of their depression will fly away into the deep blue sky.

You know what isn’t a happy decision? Using the font Papyrus.

September

How is… Wait, what is this supposed to even… Hang on, is this a joke? It must be. Life isn’t like a mountain at all, so this must be a joke. But then why would this person spend all this time on it? Picking fonts, blurring stuff, all that, the whole time chuckling to him/herself, “Life is in no way like a mountain! This is ridiculous! I’m a genius!”

Life: 80-100 years is you’re lucky. Mountain: Millions of years? Billions? Bazillions? Life: Full of work, hard decisions, joy, pain and a bunch of other things. Mountain: Just sits there being a mountain. I could go on, but I think I’m being punk’d with this thing, there’s no way someone could be this stupid. Unless… UNLESS A MOUNTAIN DID THIS OH MY G

How is… Wait, what is this supposed to even… Hang on, is this a joke? It must be. Life isn’t like a mountain at all, so this must be a joke. But then why would this person spend all this time on it? Picking fonts, blurring stuff, all that, the whole time chuckling to him/herself, “Life is in no way like a mountain! This is ridiculous! I’m a genius!”

Life: 80-100 years is you’re lucky. Mountain: Millions of years? Billions? Bazillions? Life: Full of work, hard decisions, joy, pain and a bunch of other things. Mountain: Just sits there being a mountain. I could go on, but I think I’m being punk’d with this thing, there’s no way someone could be this stupid. Unless… UNLESS A MOUNTAIN DID THIS OH MY G

July

Miss Your Smile (via icanread)

Oh god! You’ve contracted Nonsmileous Painfilious, a horrible disease that prevents infected people from forming a smile by constricting the muscles of the jaw and the nerves in your skull. It’s painful, it’s incurable, and you’ll have to eat mostly soft food for the rest of your life. Unfortunate, but you will learn to deal with this.

Wait. I just realized I made that disease up. It doesn’t exist. Turns out you can still smile, and it requires little to no effort and you can do it whenever you want. So if you miss your smile, you can just do it right now and you won’t have to miss it any longer.

Wait. Wait. Wait. I get it. You’re saying that you miss your smile because you’re lonely and sad and so you can’t smile because you’re so depressed you spend all of your time walking at dusk, picking up dead leaves and thinking about smiles and how you don’t see smiles and how you can’t smile. The easy solution here would be to just smile and be done with it.

WAIT. WHY ARE THOSE TWO LINES OF TEXT SO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER VERTICALLY?

Miss Your Smile (via icanread)

Oh god! You’ve contracted Nonsmileous Painfilious, a horrible disease that prevents infected people from forming a smile by constricting the muscles of the jaw and the nerves in your skull. It’s painful, it’s incurable, and you’ll have to eat mostly soft food for the rest of your life. Unfortunate, but you will learn to deal with this.

Wait. I just realized I made that disease up. It doesn’t exist. Turns out you can still smile, and it requires little to no effort and you can do it whenever you want. So if you miss your smile, you can just do it right now and you won’t have to miss it any longer.

Wait. Wait. Wait. I get it. You’re saying that you miss your smile because you’re lonely and sad and so you can’t smile because you’re so depressed you spend all of your time walking at dusk, picking up dead leaves and thinking about smiles and how you don’t see smiles and how you can’t smile. The easy solution here would be to just smile and be done with it.

WAIT. WHY ARE THOSE TWO LINES OF TEXT SO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER VERTICALLY?

June

Nothing Can (via thappiness)

Ever heard of war? That keeps plenty of people who love other people away. Remember that whole period in the late 1930s and early 1940s when young, married men were writing letters to their wives and saying things like, “The war rages on. I’m terrified but the commander says we’ll pull through. Oh, dearest Agnes, I think of you daily and wish to place my hand upon your fertile bosom once more. But the war, Agnes. The war keeps me away. Even though I love you. Because love cannot create a magical plane that will at once destroy all the Nazis and fly me back to you so that I may touch your bosom and also your other parts which a gentleman like I must never put to parchment. Because that magical plane doesn’t exist. And so I fight, here, in this war, away from you.” Yeah, it’s called history.

Also, if he doesn’t like you, try chaining him to a chair in your basement. Worked wonders for me when my wife kept trying to leave right after she got pregnant. She kept claiming it wasn’t mine and that some guy “Rick” was the real father. How “Rick” was a doctor and was so much better than me. Well, it took “Rick” three whole days to alert the police so how smart could he really be?

Nothing Can (via thappiness)

Ever heard of war? That keeps plenty of people who love other people away. Remember that whole period in the late 1930s and early 1940s when young, married men were writing letters to their wives and saying things like, “The war rages on. I’m terrified but the commander says we’ll pull through. Oh, dearest Agnes, I think of you daily and wish to place my hand upon your fertile bosom once more. But the war, Agnes. The war keeps me away. Even though I love you. Because love cannot create a magical plane that will at once destroy all the Nazis and fly me back to you so that I may touch your bosom and also your other parts which a gentleman like I must never put to parchment. Because that magical plane doesn’t exist. And so I fight, here, in this war, away from you.” Yeah, it’s called history.

Also, if he doesn’t like you, try chaining him to a chair in your basement. Worked wonders for me when my wife kept trying to leave right after she got pregnant. She kept claiming it wasn’t mine and that some guy “Rick” was the real father. How “Rick” was a doctor and was so much better than me. Well, it took “Rick” three whole days to alert the police so how smart could he really be?

June

But I Can’t (via waxxx)

Try jumping in the river and swimming straight down until it gets darker and darker and then everything ends. That’ll stop you thinking about everything and your younger brother can finally get your scooter.

But I Can’t (via waxxx)

Try jumping in the river and swimming straight down until it gets darker and darker and then everything ends. That’ll stop you thinking about everything and your younger brother can finally get your scooter.

June

If She’s… (via lovelyquotes, submitted by sweck)

There are two wrong with this, aside from the obvious fact that none of these sentences have anything to do with waves.

First, if she’s easy, she’s definitely worth it. Easy women are great because you don’t have to do all that fake lead up work. Like talking about how interested in their jobs or hobbies you are. Listening to them go on and on about how they’re not appreciated at work while you try get them drunk on inexpensive vodka martinis. If she’s easy you just go to Wendy’s and tell her about your comic book collection and then suddenly you’re making out in your Toyota Camry on the side of the road.

Second, if you give up, that doesn’t mean you’re not worth it. Sometimes it makes sense to give up. Here’s a simple example: You’re really into this woman but she’s not into you because she got hit by a bus last week and she’s dead. It’s time to give up. You’re still worth it. Although I want to point out there’s nothing easier than a corpse. You don’t even have to spring for Wendy’s.

If She’s… (via lovelyquotes, submitted by sweck)

There are two wrong with this, aside from the obvious fact that none of these sentences have anything to do with waves.

First, if she’s easy, she’s definitely worth it. Easy women are great because you don’t have to do all that fake lead up work. Like talking about how interested in their jobs or hobbies you are. Listening to them go on and on about how they’re not appreciated at work while you try get them drunk on inexpensive vodka martinis. If she’s easy you just go to Wendy’s and tell her about your comic book collection and then suddenly you’re making out in your Toyota Camry on the side of the road.

Second, if you give up, that doesn’t mean you’re not worth it. Sometimes it makes sense to give up. Here’s a simple example: You’re really into this woman but she’s not into you because she got hit by a bus last week and she’s dead. It’s time to give up. You’re still worth it. Although I want to point out there’s nothing easier than a corpse. You don’t even have to spring for Wendy’s.

January

Ugh, Seriously? (via fueledbyphotos)

Who is Hes? Is that the man you’re holding hands with? What kind of a name is Hes, anyway? Is it he from one of those sketchy little European countries no one has ever been to but that people always say they want to visit someday? (“Oh, yes, I’ve just GOT to make it out to Slobonia some day, I hear the fishing villages are to die for.”)

Oh, oh, OH: You meant “he’s”. You know, with an apostrophe. See, cause without it, it’s just Hes. With it, it means “he is” which makes a whole hell of a lot more sense. But I know, it’s hard to reach your pinky over to that apostrophe key. It’s way over there. It’s too far. Instead, just invalidate the entire meaning of what you’re writing, or look like a lazy idiot (or both!).

Also, while we’re at it, I can almost guarantee you he won’t always be worth it. Just wait until he starts farting on your dinner plates and playing the spoons on his beer-belly while your parents are in the room during Hanukkah. Then we’ll see just how worth it Hes is.

Ugh, Seriously? (via fueledbyphotos)

Who is Hes? Is that the man you’re holding hands with? What kind of a name is Hes, anyway? Is it he from one of those sketchy little European countries no one has ever been to but that people always say they want to visit someday? (“Oh, yes, I’ve just GOT to make it out to Slobonia some day, I hear the fishing villages are to die for.”)

Oh, oh, OH: You meant “he’s”. You know, with an apostrophe. See, cause without it, it’s just Hes. With it, it means “he is” which makes a whole hell of a lot more sense. But I know, it’s hard to reach your pinky over to that apostrophe key. It’s way over there. It’s too far. Instead, just invalidate the entire meaning of what you’re writing, or look like a lazy idiot (or both!).

Also, while we’re at it, I can almost guarantee you he won’t always be worth it. Just wait until he starts farting on your dinner plates and playing the spoons on his beer-belly while your parents are in the room during Hanukkah. Then we’ll see just how worth it Hes is.

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