That Isn't Art

Miss Your Smile (via icanread)

Oh god! You’ve contracted Nonsmileous Painfilious, a horrible disease that prevents infected people from forming a smile by constricting the muscles of the jaw and the nerves in your skull. It’s painful, it’s incurable, and you’ll have to eat mostly soft food for the rest of your life. Unfortunate, but you will learn to deal with this.

Wait. I just realized I made that disease up. It doesn’t exist. Turns out you can still smile, and it requires little to no effort and you can do it whenever you want. So if you miss your smile, you can just do it right now and you won’t have to miss it any longer.

Wait. Wait. Wait. I get it. You’re saying that you miss your smile because you’re lonely and sad and so you can’t smile because you’re so depressed you spend all of your time walking at dusk, picking up dead leaves and thinking about smiles and how you don’t see smiles and how you can’t smile. The easy solution here would be to just smile and be done with it.

WAIT. WHY ARE THOSE TWO LINES OF TEXT SO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER VERTICALLY?

Nothing Can (via thappiness)

Ever heard of war? That keeps plenty of people who love other people away. Remember that whole period in the late 1930s and early 1940s when young, married men were writing letters to their wives and saying things like, “The war rages on. I’m terrified but the commander says we’ll pull through. Oh, dearest Agnes, I think of you daily and wish to place my hand upon your fertile bosom once more. But the war, Agnes. The war keeps me away. Even though I love you. Because love cannot create a magical plane that will at once destroy all the Nazis and fly me back to you so that I may touch your bosom and also your other parts which a gentleman like I must never put to parchment. Because that magical plane doesn’t exist. And so I fight, here, in this war, away from you.” Yeah, it’s called history.

Also, if he doesn’t like you, try chaining him to a chair in your basement. Worked wonders for me when my wife kept trying to leave right after she got pregnant. She kept claiming it wasn’t mine and that some guy “Rick” was the real father. How “Rick” was a doctor and was so much better than me. Well, it took “Rick” three whole days to alert the police so how smart could he really be?

But I Can’t (via waxxx)

Try jumping in the river and swimming straight down until it gets darker and darker and then everything ends. That’ll stop you thinking about everything and your younger brother can finally get your scooter.

(Source: ugh, via katfeelsprettyohsopretty)

If She’s… (via lovelyquotes, submitted by sweck)

There are two wrong with this, aside from the obvious fact that none of these sentences have anything to do with waves.

First, if she’s easy, she’s definitely worth it. Easy women are great because you don’t have to do all that fake lead up work. Like talking about how interested in their jobs or hobbies you are. Listening to them go on and on about how they’re not appreciated at work while you try get them drunk on inexpensive vodka martinis. If she’s easy you just go to Wendy’s and tell her about your comic book collection and then suddenly you’re making out in your Toyota Camry on the side of the road.

Second, if you give up, that doesn’t mean you’re not worth it. Sometimes it makes sense to give up. Here’s a simple example: You’re really into this woman but she’s not into you because she got hit by a bus last week and she’s dead. It’s time to give up. You’re still worth it. Although I want to point out there’s nothing easier than a corpse. You don’t even have to spring for Wendy’s.

Ugh, Seriously? (via fueledbyphotos)

Who is Hes? Is that the man you’re holding hands with? What kind of a name is Hes, anyway? Is it he from one of those sketchy little European countries no one has ever been to but that people always say they want to visit someday? (“Oh, yes, I’ve just GOT to make it out to Slobonia some day, I hear the fishing villages are to die for.”)

Oh, oh, OH: You meant “he’s”. You know, with an apostrophe. See, cause without it, it’s just Hes. With it, it means “he is” which makes a whole hell of a lot more sense. But I know, it’s hard to reach your pinky over to that apostrophe key. It’s way over there. It’s too far. Instead, just invalidate the entire meaning of what you’re writing, or look like a lazy idiot (or both!).

Also, while we’re at it, I can almost guarantee you he won’t always be worth it. Just wait until he starts farting on your dinner plates and playing the spoons on his beer-belly while your parents are in the room during Hanukkah. Then we’ll see just how worth it Hes is.

(Source: fueledbyphotos)

Words and Ideas (via icanread)

So can a haircut. Seriously. This kid needs one. I’m willing to pay for it.

God Have a Plan For You (via thegirlinvelvetscarf)

Ignoring for a moment the ridiculous grammatical errors throughout this poetic disaster, I’d like to take issue with the sentiment. Just because God have a plan for me doesn’t mean I’m important. What if he plan for me is to just wallow away in my cubicle paying child support for a kid I didn’t even want while my wife travels around with her new boyfriend Rick? What if he plan for me is to get kicked out of my apartment because I missed rent and have to live at the YMCA for a while? Do these plan sound like me important? I not think so. God plans are a bad. (See what I did there?)

Love is When (via icanread)

If you look into someone’s eyes and see their heart, you should call an ambulance immediately. Have the person lie down and keep their legs elevated. To be honest, I’m not really sure what else you should do because emergency training doesn’t really prepare you for a person’s heart being lodged in their skull and it pushing out from behind their eyes. How did the heart get up there? And how is this person still alive?

Needless to say, they’re going to be in surgery for a very long time, and the road to recovery will be quite difficult. But if you love them as you claim, you should stick by them through it. Just make sure you keep your options open… if you meet someone attractive, try to start a fling on the side. That way, in case your brain-heart husband eventually dies or becomes too much of a pain to take care of you can easily transition into a new relationship.

Don’t Want to Be Friends (via fueledbyphotos)

This is called “going too far” or “being creepy” or “pulling a classic woman move.”

Look, let’s set a few things straight here: If you want to convince someone to love you (and maybe even to marry you), everyone knows you can’t be this insanely direct. You need to ease into it. Take, for instance, how I managed to eventually get my wife to marry me: Did I start by saying, “Hey, I’m crazy, let’s get married come on please!” No. I took her out to a nice dinner and got her drunk. We went back to my place and got it on. She got knocked up and BAM, a few months later we got married.

See what I’m getting at? You can convince someone to love and marry you without being a creep.

The Sun (via thelasthomerecording)

Here’s the thing about the Sun: This isn’t the year 1200 BC, you don’t have to “believe in” it anymore. We’ve been sure for thousands of years that it does indeed exist. When it’s not “shining” as you call it, that means the sun is merely being obscured by fog, clouds or some other atmospheric event. Or, in the case of the evening hours, it’s because the Earth has rotated such that your position on the planet is facing away from the Sun. It’s not complicated, and the Sun definitely doesn’t require belief. It exists.